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You Don’t Mess with the Zohan  was written by Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow, Robert Smigel and was directed by Dennis Dugan. Sandler’s production company Happy Madison produced the film, and Sony Pictures Entertainment distributed it. The movie stars Adam Sandler as Zohan Dvir, an Israeli anti-terrorism commando, who fakes his own death in order to pursue his dream: becoming a hairstylist in New York.

The movie begins with Zohan on vacation and partying on a beach in Israel, attracting several women and capturing the attention of every beach-goer with his Hacky Sack prowess. He cooks fish in the nude (using copious amounts of hummus) for himself, his friend and several women. As he finishes cooking, an Israeli Army helicopter arrives, stealing him away from his presumed well-earned vacation.

During a subsequent briefing, Zohan expresses his displeasure about being held by the Israeli Defence Forces for too long. After being haggled by his officer, he eventually agrees to do yet another mission of recapturing a key Palestinian terrorist, the “Phantom” (John Turturro), who had been freed by the Israeli government in exchange for a captured Mossad agent, plus an additional “to-be-named-later” spy. Later, as Zohan expresses his desire to leave Israel and become a hairdresser in New York City, his wishes are met with laughter by his mother and father, who had fought in the Israel’s Six-Day War.

The disgruntled Zohan fakes his own death during the pursuit of the Phantom, who is tricked into believing he had killed Zohan. Zohan smuggles himself into a flight to New York City in a pet crate of two dogs named Scrappy and Coco. Changing his hairstyle into a 1980s Paul Mitchell style and taking “Scrappy Coco” as a new moniker, he sets out to pursue his dreams in the Big Apple.

Initially unsuccessful in getting hired at an upscale Paul Mitchell salon (as well as an African-American salon and a children’s salon), Zohan’s military expertise and passion for 1970s disco has earned him a new friend, Michael (Nick Swardson), who gives him a place to stay. Michael later regrets the decision as he is forced to endure Zohan’s disturbing sexual activities with Michael’s mother, Gail (Lainie Kazan). Zohan also runs into a fellow Israeli named Uri, a Zohan fan who is aware of Scrappy Coco’s true identity but agrees to keep it a secret. Uri introduces him to a block in lower Manhattan filled with middle-eastern Americans, who are split between a Palestinian side and an Israeli side of the street.

Zohan attempts to land a job in a struggling salon of a Palestinian woman named Dhalia (Emmanuelle Chriqui). After succumbing to Zohan’s pleas to sweep floors for free, she eventually allows Zohan be a stylist after he pleases a senior lady with satisfactory haircut and a back room service. Zohan’s reputation spreads instantly among the elder women of lower Manhattan, who comment that “besides the sex, he gives a pretty good haircut.” Dhalia’s business booms, upsetting Walbridge, a corporate magnate who has been trying to forcibly gentrify the block.

Eventually Zohan is identified by a Palestinian cab driver named Salim (Rob Schneider), whom Zohan had bullied in the past. Salim tries to enact his revenge by building a makeshift “explosives” or utility bombs/bomb shells. Thinking that he needs “chemicals,” Salim walks into a pharmacy and tries to ask for nitroglycerin. Hearing Salim’s mispronunciation, the pharmacist instead presents Salim with Neosporin. Seeing that the neosporin doesn’t destroy Zohan’s workplace, Salim then informs Phantom, now a successful fast-food chain owner. Phantom then pays a visit to New York to hunt Zohan down.

In the meanwhile, Zohan realized that he fell in love with Dhalia when he discovered that he lost the ability to physically please the old ladies. Dhalia rejected Zohan’s feelings for her, since he is an Israeli counter-terrorist operative. Zohan decided to leave Dhalia, but as he is confronting Phantom, news of the middle-eastern block being attacked by redneck gangsters steals him away, and as he and Phantom are working together to save the block, they discover that Dhalia is a sister of Phantom – or “Fattoush” as she calls him. The Israelis and the Palestinians of the block band together to save their shops, defeating the redneck gangsters. As it turns out, the rednecks were hired by Walbridge to instigate an inter-ethnic riot in order to kick out the Middle Eastern residents, thereby allowing him to build his mall.

With the Israelis and the Palestinians united, the block is transformed into a collectively-owned mall, in which Zohan and Dhalia realized their dream in opening a beauty parlor. The Phantom also fulfills his lifelong passion of opening up a shoe store. The movie ends happily as Zohan’s parents approved of his Palestinian wife and hair salon, becoming customers themselves in a surprise visit.

The movie is filled with typical Sandler crudeness and toilet humor. Although it didn’t get good reviews and Kung Fu Panda kicked Zohan’s rear end, it still had enough laughs to make it good matinee fodder.

Rating: 3.5 our of 5 Jalapenos.

When we last saw Indiana Jones on screen, it was 1938, and the world stood on the brink of war as Dr. Jones chased down evildoers to find the Holy Grail. Nineteen years later, he’s cracking his whip again, and many things have changed … but some have remained the same. Again, the world is at a precipice, this time caused by the specter of nuclear annihilation, and Indy’s struggle is once again to ensure that a precious, mysterious object remains safe from those bent on destroying humanity.

Typical Indy and again, aside from the rediculous plot line, a romping good time. Fast paced, good special effects, and of course a female villain with a foreign accent (Russian this time, rather than German). Shades of Area 51 and Stargate. Interesting twist with Indy coming face to face with his heretofore unknown son (are there sequels to follow). Bring on the aliens, shades of cyborg civilization, Aztec/Mayan temples,  and even Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Not one dull second in the whole movie. The worst part of it was Shia LaBeouf’s hairstyle – move over Fonzie. This kid has burst on the scene and has a couple of more entries throughout the Summer and Fall. He should change his name.

Definitely worth seeing, even the second time.

Rating: 4.8 out of 5 Jalapenos.

Marcel Langenegger makes his feature-film directorial debut with the aptly titled DECEPTION, a film about secrets and lies. Jonathan McQuarry (Ewan McGregor) feels that life is passing him by. He completes short-term audits for a large firm, but doesn’t really feel any connection to his employer and finds it difficult to make friends at his assignments since he’s never there for long. Jonathan’s circumstances change overnight when charming lawyer Wyatt Bose (Hugh Jackman) befriends him. In an instant, the shy accountant is playing doubles tennis with his new friend and beautiful women and visiting upscale clubs. Just as mild-mannered Jonathan is getting used to his new lifestyle, Wyatt leaves town on business. When Jonathan finds himself mistakenly in possession of Wyatt’s cell phone, he also discovers a whole new world of anonymous sex in elite Manhattan hotels with powerful women known simply as “The List.” But soon Jonathan is in over his head: he’s the prime suspect when a woman goes missing, and the threat of extortion looms. This tale weaves an intricate web of lies and treachery. Jackman is both charming and chilling as Wyatt, a man utterly without conscience, while McGregor falls easily into character as the bespectacled Everyman, Jonathan. Nerdy but likable, Jonathan really just wants to connect with someone. Along the way, he learns that he is capable of more than he ever expected.

The movie takes a few unexpected twists and you certainly don’t expect Hugh Jackman to be such a sinister character. A predictable ending, but enough plot twists to at least make it interesting. A somewhat steamy movie. It’s a shame they didn’t have Ewan McGregor doing the Tome Cruise “tidy white” dance since he had several scene opportunities. I keep trying to think of a few analagous type plots from some older movies, but apparently they were less memorable.

Rating: 3.5 our of 5 Jalapenos

The characters of C.S. Lewis’s timeless fantasy come to life once again in this newest installment of the “Chronicles of Narnia” series, in which the Pevensie siblings are magically transported back from England to the world of Narnia, where a thrilling, perilous new adventure and an even greater test of their faith and courage awaits them. One year after the incredible events of “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,” the Kings and Queens of Narnia find themselves back in that faraway wondrous realm, only to discover that more than 1300 years have passed in Narnian time. During their absence, the Golden Age of Narnia has become extinct, Narnia has been conquered by the Telmarines and is now under the control of the evil King Miraz, who rules the land without mercy. The four children will soon meet an intriguing new character: Narnia’s rightful heir to the throne, the young Prince Caspian, who has been forced into hiding as his uncle Miraz plots to kill him in order to place his own newborn son on the throne. With the help of the kindly dwarf, a courageous talking mouse named Reepicheep, a badger named Trufflehunter and a Black Dwarf, Nikabrik, the Narnians, led by the mighty knights Peter and Caspian, embark on a remarkable journey to find Aslan, rescue Narnia from Miraz’s tyrannical hold, and restore magic and glory to the land.

While not as “epic” as The Lord of the Rings Trilogy this movie is well done. I liked this one a bit better than the first one. This series is probably more designed for the younger crowd unlike the Rings which can be appreciated by any age group. This is not as dark either. I found it to be very intertaining and well done. It is not an Oscar contender, but it is good fantasy entertainment. Have the first two installments really probed the underlying theology, I think not. It is however well worth the price of admission.

Rating: 4 out of 5 Jalapenos

Ben Campbell (Jim Sturgess), based on the real life Massachusetts Institute of Technology card-counter Jeff Ma, is an MIT senior who applies for the prestigious Robinson Scholarship, a full scholarship to Harvard Medical School. Despite Ben’s perfect resume, the official administering the scholarship tells Ben that his application essay must “dazzle” him in order to win it. In his non-linear equations class, Ben impresses his professor, Mickey Rosa (Kevin Spacey). One night while Ben is studying, Fisher (Jacob Pitts) tells him to come with him. He leads Ben to a card counting session led by Mickey. His team travels to Las Vegas every weekend to count cards and win money, which the members then split. Other members of the team are Ben’s crush Jill (Kate Bosworth), Choi (Aaron Yoo), and Kianna (Liza Lapira). Mickey tells Ben that he has a great mind and is able to get past his emotions, and that’s why he chose him.

Ben initially declines but after some persuasion, Ben joins the team to generate $300,000, the amount he needs for medical school. Life gets complicated; for every weekend he spends in Las Vegas, he ignores and lies to his friends and family. As Ben becomes the big player and makes the most money, former big player Fisher gets jealous. One night, Fisher joins the same table as Ben and screws up. Mickey is furious and sends Fisher home and kicks him off the team. Back at home, Ben’s friends decide to continue the 209 robotics competition without him after Ben gets the wrong microcontroller. Shaken from losing his former two best friends, Ben loses a massive amount of money in one night, and Mickey and Ben angrily part ways. Mickey tells Ben that he needs to pay Mickey back the $250,000 he lost that night. Ben decides to take over the team and make the money back, but Mickey reports them to casino security. After being caught and brutally beaten by Cole Williams (Laurence Fishburne), the sinister “head” of the casino security team, Ben returns to MIT. He finds that Mickey has revoked credit for one of his classes, and Ben cannot graduate from MIT. Upon entering his dorm room, he finds his room trashed and all the money he saved for Harvard Medical School gone. Finally, he asks Mickey for a second chance to make his money back.

In disguise, the team arrives in Vegas for their last run. Ben and Mickey are winning big, but Cole Williams arrives. Ben and Mickey split along with Jill, deciding to separate. Mickey convinces Ben to throw him the bag with the winnings and they will meet up later. But Mickey decides to just leave and runs to the limo and asks the driver to go to the airport. But he has been tricked: he finds that the bag is actually filled with chocolate dollars, and that the driver of the limo is actually Williams’s partner. Ben’s secret plan is to trick Mickey as revenge for stealing his savings. That night, Cole Williams made a deal with Ben that he would not be hurt if he could bring Mickey back to Vegas. When Mickey asked for the bag with the winnings, Jill had already switched the real bag with another bag in her purse with the fake chips. Mickey is caught by casino security while Ben is let off the hook. Ben pays off casino security with that night’s winnings, returns to MIT, and “dazzles” the Harvard dean with his Las Vegas adventures.

Well acted movie even if Kevin Spacey didn’t enjoy his time in Vegas. Scenery was good and acting was well above average. Jim Sturgess is turning into quite a versatile actor. Highly recommended. The movie moves quickly and it is an all around good time.

Rating: 4.8 our of 5 jalapenos

88 Minutes opens with an intricately choreographed murder that finds a young Seattle woman trussed up like a hog for slaughter. Cut to the present. The murderer has been caught, and the man who helped put the villain on death row is Dr. Jack Gramm (Mr. Pacino), a forensic psychiatrist and professor with young Amazon students (Alicia Witt and Leelee Sobieski) and a sympathetic foil with a badge (William Forsythe). Dr. Jack fields lots of calls from his assistant (Amy Brenneman), but one day he receives a ring-a-ding from someone who says that he has 88 minutes to live … then 82 minutes … and so on.

The narcissistic Dr. Gramm is a typical Pacino character. The plot makes a few twists and since I was looking for some mindless entertainment, I wasn’t overly disturbed that I didn’t figure out who was the guilty party until near the end. While the movie was about 88 Minutes to live, it took a little longer on the big screen.

The movie got horrific reviews, the NY Times blew it out of the water, and Rotten Tomatoes hit only 6%. It was characterized as shockingly inept psychological thriller that expertly squanders the talent at hand. However, I enjoyed it.

Rating: 4 out of 5 jalapeños.

Cops countermanding the law, using the close-knit nature of their badge to secretly settle scores on the street, have long since become a cinematic cliché. The police have gone from donut-munching jokes to felons in blue and black finery. From the decent beat officer taking bribes to buffer his paycheck, to the undercover operative in so deep he no longer remembers what side of society he’s on, “to protect and serve” has been modified — at least in the movies — to “pervert and steal.” Street Kings, th e latest motion picture inspired by a story from James Ellroy (L.A. Confidential), dabbles freely in this kind of corrupt no man’s land, and for the most part, it’s a thrilling journey.

This movie has a great cast: Keanu Reeves, Forrest Whittaker, Hugh Laurie, Chris Evans, and John Corbett just to name a few. There is considerable interplay between corrupt Forrest Whittaker as the unit commander looking to make chief, Keanu Reeves as the gunslinging cop, and Hugh Laurie as head of internal affairs.

Needless to say there is sufficient lead poisoning of the bad guys to keep you entertained. The plot twists back and forth, albeit a bit predictable.

Although the movie got mixed reviews, I found it one of the better releases so far this Summer.

Rating: 4 out of 5 jalapenos.

Author Scott Smith adapts his own popular 2006 novel in this unsettling and surprising horror yarn.

 THE RUINS is cut from the same “body-count-of-young -white -Americans-abroad” cloth as most teen slasher movies where they are killed off one at a time with one escaping so that there can be an even worse sequel. The big difference here is that it isn’t the offspring of a sexual relationship from Deliverance, but rather some strange vine with flowerettes that can mimic human sounds. The other thing different is that the cast does not have the clean, attractive look of the cast of Dawson’s Creek but rather a more unattractive look like the cast of Wolf Creek.

While vacationing on the Yucatan Peninsula, 20-something Americans Jeff (Jonathan Tucker), Amy (Jena Malone), Eric (Shawn Ashmore), and Stacy (Laura Ramsey), befriend German traveler Mathias (Joe Anderson), who invites them to accompany him into the jungle to meet up with his archaeologist brother at an “off the map” Mayan temple. They agree, but once they arrive, angry locals shoot one of their party and refuse to allow them to leave. The Americans and Mathias retreat to the top of the temple, only to find the archaeological camp deserted. Mathias falls into the temple and is badly injured, but that is only the beginning of their troubles, as it soon becomes apparent that the vines covering the temple are alive in a way that goes beyond normal vegetation. It may be tempting to summarize THE RUINS by saying that it’s about killer plants, but that would be undermining its strong points if there are any. The latter two thirds of the film play out like a very grim five-character stage play about survival, with large servings of death and desperation, without resorting to the fake scares that many horror films use as a crutch. The gore, while often quite nasty, is also necessary to the story, which takes on a heavy psychological component as the characters begin to fear for their lives. The movie basically sucked and the book was better.

Rating: 1 out of 5 oscarettes.

Terry (Jason Statham) owns a failing car-sales garage, and after numerous threats, he is eventually confronted by two debt-collectors who cause damage to a number of his cars. At the same time, Martine (Saffron Burrows) arrives telling Terry that she has a job for him; a plan that needs putting into motion. Terry gathers a bunch of petty-criminal friends to help execute the plan that involves robbing a bank on Baker Street, London. What they don’t know is that Martine is setting them up on behalf of MI5, who want the contents of a safe deposit box within the bank. This safe deposit box contains compromising photos of a female member of the British Royal Family (identified in the film as Princess Margaret). The photos are in a box belonging to a black militant under the name of Michael X; he uses the photos to avoid trouble with MI5, who will do anything to avoid the photos going into circulation.

Terry and his criminals purchase a shop two lots away from the bank and start digging a tunnel underneath the middle shop (a chicken fast-food restaurant) to reach the floor of the bank vault. During construction, it is revealed that the house is being watched by two MI5 officers, making sure that the bank-robbers are uninterrupted in doing their dirty work for them. However, vibrations from jackhammers arouse suspicion amongst the inhabitants of the middle building. This eventually leads to a policeman coming to the building whose basement the crooks are building a tunnel from. Terry is able to convince the policeman that all is well, and he leaves. Terry, however, is still worried, and employs a “watchman” to sit on the roof of the building opposite and keep a look out for further trouble.

This lookout is equipped with a walkie-talkie, which he uses to contact the gang building the tunnel. However, a local amateur radio operator receives the transmission, and manages to listen in on the conversation. When he realises that he’s listening to a bank robbery in progress, he calls the police, who arrive and listen in as well. The police try to determine the location of the robbers by parking an ambulance outside all the banks within a 10-mile radius of the amateur radio operator’s location, to see if the lookout reports it to the villains, but luckily the lookout drops the walkie-talkie just as the ambulance parks outside Lloyds Bank. The robbers remain undetected, even after the owner of the bank is called by the police to check for a break-in.

Meanwhile, Martine has found the deposit-box that she knows contains the photos, and opens it separate from the others claiming that its number “118” is her ‘lucky number’. Terry opens the box with her, and upon seeing the pictures knows that Martine has a hidden agenda. Other photos, meanwhile, are found which show a senior MP in compromising positions in a local brothel; the robbers pocket these with the money and other valuables, and leave. MI5 is watching and intercepts the van; the robbers have set up a decoy however; Terry hired a passer-by to drive the empty van out of the bank’s underground car park to Heathrow airport. The hoax has given the robbers a chance to escape.

In a garage nearby, they begin to rifle through the takings. Two of the six robbers leave with their share of the spoils; leaving the other four to debate. Terry confronts Martine over the photos, and how she knew their location, and she admits to having been blackmailed by MI5 after entering the UK with drugs in her suitcase. Panic sets in. The remaining robbers, including Terry and Martine, leave the garage with what they have; but events quickly turn against them.

The police start to gather evidence, and slowly begin to identify the culprits. They search the locations where they believe the robbers to be, but it appears that MI5 has reached all of the locations first, with the robbers nowhere to be seen.

Meanwhile Lew Vogel (David Suchet), a local club owner, admits to two corrupt policeman that his paying-in book (containing records of all the money he had given to them and other corrupt officers over the years) was stolen along with the contents of his safe deposit-box during the raid. He also phones Michael X to inform him that his box containing the royal ‘portraits’ has gone missing. Michael X starts to get suspicious of a female British spy, who has befriended his brother and gone with the family to Trinidad and Tobago.

The club owner manages to find one of the robbers, and tortures him for information. When he eventually tells Vogel everything, Vogel goes to the garage where Terry worked and kidnaps a mechanic, who was the lookout during the robbery, taking him to the same secret location and tying him down. At the same time, the senior MP is shown the photos of himself in the brothel, and agrees to try and help to clear the robbers’ names in return for a safe return of the photos. Terry demands passports for himself and his accomplices to leave the country, and an agreement that they will not face prosecution. Meanwhile, MI5 issues a D-Notice forbidding the press from reporting on the heist any longer. Police simultaneously release recordings from the walkie-talkie conversations, in the hope that someone will recognize the voices. These recordings are heard on the radio by Terry’s family.

The club owner goes on to shoot dead one of the robbers, around the same time as Michael X murders the British spy. MI5 make an agreement with Terry, and agree to meet him at Paddington Station in London. Terry gives the same instruction to the officer in charge of the investigation, citing knowledge of corrupt officers under his control. He also convinces the club owner to go to Paddington Station at the same time, offering him the book with details of corrupt officers in return for the safe return of his mechanic. This results in a large meeting of all of the involved parties at the same time.

Terry stands on the platform waiting for the others, while Martine meets up with her original contact within MI5 on a bridge overlooking the scene. The club owner and his corrupt police accomplices arrive with the mechanic, but recognize MI5 agents present and run. At the same time, the head of MI5 arrives (with Lord Mountbatten), handing over the documentation and passports that Terry bargained for, in return for the photos of the princess. Terry then chases the fleeing club owner and his aides. He starts to attack the club owner, and then fights with one of the aides, knocking them both out. The second aide appears with a gun, and Terry manages to avoid the shots, and knock him out with a brick hastily dislodged from a wall.

The police officer in charge of the investigation then arrives, and sees the robbers being arrested. He speaks with the MI5 officers present, who direct police to let the robbers go. When the officer approaches the car where Terry was held to ask for the bribe payout ledger, Terry agreed to hand it over in exchange of freedom. Terry and the other robbers are then released, the policeman saying “I don’t see any bank-robbers in here” upon looking in the car in which the robbers are sitting. The club owner and the corrupt officers are arrested, and the militant is arrested in Trinidad and Tobago. His house is then burnt down after orders from Tim Everett.

Excellent movie.

Rating: 5 out of 5 jalapenos

From the previews, this looked like it would be a great movie. It had all the essence of a Cohen brother “O Brother Where art Thou.” It was a good bit of directing by Clooney and there was no problem with the acting. However it was a dull and useless plot. If you are going have a flop movie, at least don’t further its sucky-ness by having the squeelly-voiced, squinty-eyed, fish-mouthed, anorexic Renee Zellwiger as the actress. Clooney was his perinneal comic self of “Oh Brother,” the Ocean’s series, etc., which made the movie palatable; however, I did get about a 20 minute nap until someone punched me for snoring. John Kazinski of The Office could make it into the big time move as he has the looks and charisma but this movie may delay his blossoming movie career. Too bad as he does have some comic potential. Renee Z would be better if she would see a speech coach and get rid of that high nasal infantile voice. It sounds like fingernails against a blackboard. This movie runs almost 2 hours. Forty-five minutes is about all it can keep your attention. I give Clooney 3 stars for effort and the movie itself for entertainment value – ZERO stars. Or as Entertainment Weekly would say – F.